My Only
by Fawkes' Feather
Summary: kyo's death is a wake-up call for yuki and he is forced to rethink his feelings for the cat. meanwhile, kyo is still among them, watching their every move. rated R for later chapters. R&R. feedback is always appreciated.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Fruits Basket is not mine.

A/N: i wrote this at about 3:30 a.m. one day. This story starts out as a poem but in later chapters i'll write in story format. all poems that i may include are of my own creation or else i'll have a disclaimer in the beginning giving credit to the original author.

YUKI'S POV

Funny thing, this love business

You think you hate someone

Then you actually lose him

Now it's too late and you

Just newly realized

With an emotion

Close to shock

That you were

Hopelessly

In love. _– as written in the journal of Yuki Sohma, zodiac sign: the rat_

I never knew how much he meant  
How much I thought he is heaven sent  
How much he was a part of my life  
Or how much I loved him though I caused him strife  
I didn't know anything until the day he died  
I fell to my knees and without abandon, just cried  
Now there's a gaping hole in the center of my heart  
Nothing seems sweet anymore, life suddenly turned tart  
What I would give for just one more day  
To confess my love before you're taken away  
I need to know what you would have felt  
Need to know how you could make me melt  
Please come back to me, I cry in my sleep  
This love for you I always will keep  
In the deepest crevices of my soul  
But the pain I feel is too sharp for any to console  
Physically I am alive and well  
But too much on my agony do I dwell  
In my heart I died with you  
How I'll live now I have no clue  
You were my one and only  
Without you all I am is lonely  
I want you by my side  
If you were here, I would have tried  
I hunger to feel the warmth that inside me floods  
When I see you and feel the love that buds  
I yearn to confess my undying love  
And the passion that is put above  
Stay with me always is all I can say  
Watch over me now is what I pray  
Meet me when I sleep and in my dreams  
Comfort me, hold me, and quiet my screams  
Be my guardian angel, protect me at all times  
It is my request for leaving me was your only crime  
Be my angel although you already are  
I will forever have this invisible scar  
  
I wish you had known.  
I wish I had told you.  
I wish you were here.  
I wish I could find you.  
  
My love.  
My only.  
Forever and always.

A/N: me again. just a friendly reminder to review and please be respectful of my work. any and all flames will be ignored and doused with a hose. thank you!


	2. Stabbing Pains and Icy Chills

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket.

"No." Yuki Sohma dropped to his knees on the rain-soaked gravel. "No." His vision blurred as tears welled in his eyes. This was not real. It was not possible. He was not, could not be dead.

"Damn rat," came a raspy voice, "I-I guess this means- you- win. One last time." Beautiful orange eyes closed, never to open again. And Yuki knelt beside that beautiful, hot-headed person, his head bowed, crying silently. How long he stayed like that, he did not know but he became dimly aware of strong but tender hands pulling him up and helping him inside the house. He turned his head and vaguely registered the head of black hair and the bright colors of a kimono. Shigure. The dog's eyes were filmy with tears and he was blinking furiously, as if to hold in the inevitable crying.

"Yuki-kun, you must get yourself inside the house. Hatori'll kill me- if- if," the man's voice cracked horribly, "I- allow you to get sick."

"But Shigure, we can't leave him—in the street." Yuki strained against the grip on his arms and made to go back to the street. It only tightened and forced him around, toward the house.

"No, we cannot. But Hatori will take care of it. He's here, he'll know what to do. Honda-san, please, would you make Yuki a cup of tea? I don't want him getting sick." _I don't want him to die. _Shigure's voice was the epitome of calm but Yuki could hear just the slightest tremor hidden among the polite words. The wide-eyed girl nodded and disappeared for a moment, coming back with a steaming cup of brown liquid.

"Drink this, S-Sohma-kun." She whispered, handing the teacup to him. "I-it'll w-warm you r-r-riight uup." Her teeth were chattering and her hands were shaking and Yuki looked up to see her eyes filled with sorrow and horror. He realized she must have seen the whole thing, must have witnessed the crash and, knowing her, she was deeply hurt. But she was also smiling, for his sake. There was no happiness in her smile.

"No, Tohru-chan. Cry. It- it helps at times like these." He moved his gaze back to the teacup and closed his eyes, willing this nightmare to be over. But in his heart, he knew that there would be no waking up, no relief from the grief and agony that he was feeling. Tohru wrapped a blanket around his shaking shoulders and wiped the tears from his face, the tears that dropped into his teacup, turning the sweet tea salty. "It hurts. Right here." He whispered raggedly to her, pressing a fist to his chest. "It feels like a knife stabbing me. Over and o-" he dissolved into tears, unable to say anymore. He could not breathe, could not think, could not feel.

"Oh, Sohma-kun," she held him to her and he turned and buried his face into the small hollow next to her neck, "it hurts all of us." They stayed that way for a while, the warmth that emanated from their bodies a comfort for the other.

Two weeks later...

An icy breeze swept through the cemetery, chilling everyone in its path. Everyone shivered everyone but Yuki, who was standing at the foot of the grave. He looked to be made of stone; he wasn't moving, was barely breathing, his features were hardened in a sad expression of love and grief. He couldn't feel the frosty bite of winter, nor the snow that fell from the heavens and blanketed the earth. All he knew was the deadness he felt inside, the pain that stabbed his heart when he thought of his orange-haired counterpart. He allowed the tears to come; he was too tired to stay them. They rolled down his cheeks and fell to the ground, making small holes in the snow.

"Come, Yuki-kun. We should go home now." Shigure grasped his younger cousin's shoulders. Yuki shrugged off the warm hands and turned from the grave to head back to Hatori's car. He looked back one last time, sorrowful purple eyes watching the snow-covered grave until it disappeared from sight.

Back at Shigure's house, he walked in a daze, his slender fingers running across the walls. He wandered around the house, not having a particular destination in mind when he passed by a room with an open door. A sob rose up in his throat but, with some difficulty, he choked it back down and entered the room swiftly and silently.

It was fairly bare with a bed, a dresser, a bookshelf and a desk piled with books and papers. The bed was unmade and Yuki could still see the small impression where its occupant last lay. His lip quivered and once again, he was forced to try, however unsuccessfully, to keep in the cries that he so longed to let out. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he crept over to the bed and smoothed out the pillow before he crawled in. He pulled the covers over the bottom half of his face so only his eyes showed and breathed in the smell of _him_. Of Kyo. That orange-haired, foul-tempered cat Jyuunichi. He lay in Kyo's bed, breathing deeply through his nose, inhaling the smell that clung to Kyo and hung, thick and intoxicating, in the atmosphere of the room.

Closing his eyes, he silently wept for the thing he wanted most and the thing that would never be. _Stay with me, please. I need you. Be there for me. _He begged in his head. _I don't know what to do without you. _Eventually, the stream of tears slowed and Yuki Sohma, curled up in Kyo Sohma's bed, drifted off into sleep where his dreams were dark and full of pain.

A/N: Next chapter is Kyo's POV even though he's dead. It's not very long but next chapter will be a lot longer. As always, please review. I live for feedback.


	3. Ethereal

Disclaimer: the whole song and dance. Not mine, not mine, not mine. And no matter what I do, it will never be mine.

A/N: this is Kyo's POV. The un-italicized parts is the "living" people talking amongst themselves.

_It's raining. It's raining and I'm lying on the ground. Why can't I move? I hate the rain. I hate getting wet. So why am I just lying here, staring up into a black sky that smells of rubber and oil? It's cold. I need to get inside. Why does everything hurt so much? My body. It feels like I've just been hit by a car. Damn, why can't I move?!_

"No." _Is that Yuki? What the hell is he talking about? _"No." _I crack open my eyes and he's an inch from my face. Jesus, my heart jumps and I twitch slightly. Pain explodes in my neck, down my spine, everywhere. I make a mental note not to move anymore._

"Damn rat," _I whisper, angry that he scared me, angry at the pain that courses through my veins,_ "I-I guess this means- you- win. One last time."_ And then my eyes close against my own will. I cease to feel anything anymore. I can't feel the rain hitting my face, can't feel his breath, warm and full of life on my face. It scares me, this- un-feeling. Am I breathing? What's going on? I flex my fingers and, surprisingly, it doesn't hurt. Cautiously, I stand up and when I rise, I look around me. There is nothing here. Only me and the dark, ominous shadows that surround me. I am overcome with a crushing sense of loneliness. Is there no one?_

_ "HELLO?!" I scream into the shadows but the only thing that answers is my echo. "WHERE THE HELL AM I?!" but now I'm not expecting any sort of answer._

_ "You are dead, Kyo Sohma. The cat is dead." A sad, solemn voice replies from behind me and I whirl around. There is no one. This is freaking me out and my pupils dilate from the fear. "However, you will be given a chance to see the effect your death has on the place you call home. Perhaps, it will give you some closure?" the voice whispers in my ear. I turn my head ever so slightly but, still, there is no one._

_ "I don't understand. Who are you?" I ask, cursing my voice for wavering. I sound pitiful. Yuki would laugh if he saw me like this._

_ "That is not for you to know." And it has barely said the last word when I feel warm, pleasant waves pulsing around me. I am blinded by a sudden white light. Bloody hell. It fades away and I blink rapidly to get rid of the spots that float in my vision. I try to calm my rapidly-beating heart and look around me. I am home._

_ I almost laugh aloud. It was all just a dream. I just dreamed that a voice told me that I was dead. It was all just a dream. It is almost daybreak and Shigure should be up now. I look in his study and he's sitting at his computer, staring blankly into the screen. His fingers are poised on the keyboard, ready to type but he seems lost in some distant thought. He wouldn't want me to bother him so I slide the door closed._

"Who's there?" _Shigure__ jumps up, almost knocking over a stack of papers that I'm assuming are part of his latest novel. _"Yuki? Tohru? This isn't funny, you know." _His face is white as snow and he looks scared. I shake my head and leave him alone. He's probably just high off all that coffee he drinks. I wander around the house and find Tohru in the kitchen. She's kneeling at the table, her head is bowed and her hands are folded in her lap. In front of her, propped up on the table, is a picture of her mother. Is she crying for her mother? I feel bad when she sniffs loudly, wipes her face on the apron she's wearing and stands up, a bright smile painted on her face. How often is it that she hides her true feelings just for the sake of pleasing us? I reach out to her._

_ "Tohru-" but she brushes past me and bustles around the kitchen, cooking breakfast, occasionally sniffing. I hear footsteps behind me and turn around. It's that damn rat. His eyes are half-closed and his hair is tousled. He probably just woke up. He just stands in the doorway, watching her cook. He looks like he's dead. Pretty soon, the delicious smells of breakfast fill the air. She sets places for only three people at the table and he makes a funny noise in his throat. Wait a minute. Why only three places? Yuki is still staring at the table set for only three people. "What the hell are you staring at, damn rat?" I jeer but he doesn't take notice of me. He only turns his head so his hair hides his face and I hear sniffling coming from him too._

"Oh, Sohma-kun. Don't cry." _Tohru__ implores, rushing to his side. Apparently she heard him too. He wasn't as quiet as he wanted to be. _"It's okay."_ She gives him a hug and he collapses against her, burying his face in her hair. Now he's crying full-tilt. She makes soothing noises and strokes his back. When he's finished crying, he wipes his eyes on his sleeve and drops heavily into his chair. Tohru follows and sits at her place. I make to sit down too but Shigure beats me to it._

_ "Hey!" I shout, balling up my fists. "What the hell is going on? I need to eat too, right?" but they don't pay attention to me. I'm not hungry anyways so I sit down across from Shigure, at my normal spot. They're quiet while they eat, even Tohru isn't talking. She's usually saying something or other but today, she just eats and doesn't say a word. It's beginning to weird me out. Maybe they're playing a practical joke on me? No, Tohru wouldn't go along with it. I would expect something like this from Shigure but not from Tohru. Yuki isn't even eating. He sits like a statue, staring into his bowl, playing with his food._

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?" _Shigure__ tries to lighten up the mood but his smile is sad. Yuki looks up, his eyes flash to me and then he abruptly stands up. _"Where're you going?" _Shigure__ shouts after him._

"I'm going out." _I follow him. Once outside the house, he begins to run through the snow-covered woods. It is snowing heavily, so heavily that I almost can't see him. I can hear him gasping for breath and sobbing as he dashes through the thick forest._

_ "Stop, you idiot. You'll have an attack." I shout after him. For some reason, I'm able to keep up with him easily. I'm not even breathing hard. He pays no attention to me and keeps running. He trips over a rock and falls down with a loud cry. He's on the ground now, heaving, desperate to bring a little air into his lungs. He's having an attack. He tries to stand, slowly moving onto his knees and raises himself awkwardly onto his elbows so he's on all fours. His head is hanging, his forehead barely brushing the snow. I rush over to help him up but I can't grab a hold of him. "Yuki? You idiot, I told you." I get right up in his face. He must have heard that. But he didn't. He didn't hear me. He can't even see me. And earlier, at the table, he wasn't looking at me. He was only looking at my empty seat. _

_I stumble backward, losing my balance out of shock and sudden fear. So it wasn't a dream after all. I really did die after all. Was I a- a ghost now? My heart is thudding frantically. I glance at Yuki, who is still on the floor. His face is flushed and I can hear his breaths rattling in his chest as he tries urgently to coax air into his lungs. His shoulders are shaking, twitching violently, and I can hear him sobbing too. Sobbing so loudly I'm surprised Shigure and Tohru back at the house can't hear him. He shouldn't cry now. Not when he's like this. But he stays there, on the floor, crying his heart out._

"Why did you run into the street like that? Why didn't you get out of the way?" _I hear him whisper accusingly. I feel a pang in my heart. Is he talking about me? When he has spent all his tears, he slowly stands. He is still gasping for breath, still wheezing and I don't know how he's going to get home before dark. As he takes a step, he sways and almost falls to the floor again but manages to grab hold of a tree trunk. He stumbles from tree to tree, in a stupor, until he finally reaches Shigure's house. Both of them come running out._

"Sohma-kun!" _Tohru__ screams. Shigure's face is a mixture of fury, worry, and relief. He races past Tohru and reaches Yuki just in time to keep him from falling over in exhaustion._

"What the hell was that? You had us worried sick. Don't you ever do that again," _Shigure__ scolds but I can hear the love in his voice. So strong._

"I'm sorry," _Yuki whispers, his face buried in Shii-chan's kimono, _"I couldn't help—myself." _And then he goes completely limp. Tohru puts a hand on his forehead._

"He's burning up." _Shigure__ holds Yuki, bridal-style, and they bring him into the house, closing the door behind them. I walk right through the paper door. I suppose I really am a ghost doomed to watch the suffering of my loved ones, unable to help them and ease their pain. I walk into Yuki's room._

"Tohru-kun, please, would you call Haa-san? I think he should see Yuki." _Shigure__ eases Yuki into the bed and covers him with blankets. He lovingly pats the soft silver hair of the rat and sits down in a chair beside the bed. Tohru nods and runs out the door where I can hear her talking to Hatori. _"What were you thinking, running around in the snow? You KNOW you'd get sick." _The man sighed. He stands up and walks out the door, probably to make some tea, and collides with Tohru, who instinctively, grabs him around the shoulders to keep from falling backward. With a poof, he is transformed into a black dog and Tohru kneels beside him, a horrified expression on her face._

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Shigure-san!" _she wails but he laughs and tells her it's ok. Hatori arrives a few minutes later and the dog jumps into his lap while he is checking over Yuki._

"Gerroff me, idiot." _Hatori__ shoves at the dog but it stays put. It turns around and puts its front paws on Hatori's shoulders, licking his face. Tohru walks in with a tray of tea and at that moment, Shigure transforms back into a man. He has no clothes on and appears to be straddling Hatori. Tohru squeals and almost drops the tea tray. _

"Whoops. Sorry Tohru-kun." _Shigure__ laughs nervously. Hatori looks like he is about to commit bloody murder on the naked man straddling his hips._

"Off. Now." _He hisses dangerously. Tohru turns around and closes her eyes as Shigure climbs off Haa-san. Yuki will be ok, Hatori tells Shigure once he has got some clothes on. I sit down at Yuki's side while they leave the room. He is so beautiful, even when he looks like he's in pain. Wait, what was that? Being dead is driving me insane. But, I sigh mentally, he really IS beautiful. Even I have to admit that._

"K-Kyo." _My name escapes his lips in a soft murmur, an almost-moan. I wonder what he is dreaming. _"I- I miss you. Stay…" _and then his voice trailed off. I lean over him and kiss him lightly on the forehead._

_ "Of course I'll stay, Yun-chan." I say softly against his soft skin. I had no choice but to stay. I WANTED to stay, had to find out if they would forget me and move on. Would Yuki wish he had been nicer? Curiosity killed the cat, as they say but I was already dead. It wouldn't hurt me. I would watch them, ethereal and invisible, but present nonetheless._

A/N: Well? Sorry if this was a bit confusing. If you review I'll try and clarify it. Good? Bad? Terrible? Review! Please? gives readers puppy dog eyes please?


	4. Guilt and Relief

Disclaimer: much as I wish, Furuba is not and will never be mine.

Yuki Sohma had retracted, almost completely, into the inner workings of his mind. He paid little to no attention whatsoever to anyone or anything. Indeed, he was like a living zombie, a living and breathing body, able to function on its own without leaving the safe shell of his confused thoughts.

"Sohma-kun?" The question was like a splash of cold water, awakening him to the outside world. He glanced up, startled, into the concerned blue eyes of a third-year girl. She was too close for comfort, her nose just barely touching his and he jumped back instinctively. She looked hurt but made no comment. Instead, she tilted her head slightly and said, "Sohma-kun, the bell rang for lunch two minutes ago. Didn't you hear it?" No, he hadn't heard it. Had been too lost in memories to hear something as insignificant as the signal for lunch. He stood, taking extra care to stay out of arm's reach of the third-year.

"Thank you for informing me, Takari-san." He lowered his head to the floor in a gesture of gratitude and hurried out the door before she could squeal and throw her arms around him. He could never be too careful.

But instead of heading to the crowded lunchroom, he ran outside and found a spot, hidden from any prying eyes that might be looking for him. He leaned his head against the scratchy brick wall and closed his eyes, not bothering to reign in his thoughts. The breeze that found him huddled behind potted plants was cool and brought with it, the light fragrance of some sort of flower. Slowly, he sunk into the murky subconscious of his mind, the deep, mysterious place that stored away his memories.

_Flashback_

_"I'm gonna beat you today, kuso nezumi!" an angered Kyo Sohma shouted, fists clenched and orange eyes fiery and flashing._

_"Shut up, baka neko," Yuki sighed, regarding the cat coolly and contemptibly. Kyo, enraged by the scorn in Yuki's purple eyes, had flown at the other boy. Yuki, of course, had taken him out with one blow. He looked down at him, a smirk curling up his soft lips. "So much for beating me." Then, he had crouched down so his nose was inches from Kyo's. "You will never be good enough to be welcomed into the Sohma family. You are an embarrassment." He watched as something flickered in Kyo's eyes and before he knew it, the cat Jyuunichi had pushed himself up and ran out into the rain. "Wait, you idiot, it's raining. You're gonna get sick!" Yuki ran out too, emotions racing with something akin to concern for the stupid, loudmouth. "Stop, Kyo. I didn't mean it. Just, let's go home already!" But he was ignored by his orange-haired counterpart and, groaning with frustration, continued to chase after him._

_A little ways away from the house, they came to a street. Yuki stopped at the edge but Kyo ran recklessly into the middle. He never saw the headlights. He never heard the blaring honking. He never noticed the desperate screaming of the silver-haired boy._

_The time right before the crash was distilled, as if it took hours to complete instead of a few moments. Years flew by in that agonizing time period as Yuki screamed to Kyo to get out of the damn road. A split-second before Kyo disappeared under the wheels of the truck, he turned his head slightly and Yuki lost his breath with the simmering anger, hatred, fear, and fury that spilt onto him. He reached out, screaming so loud his throat hurt but it seemed as if he couldn't make a sound. As if he had suddenly been struck mute and no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn't be able to convey anything through words. And then a screech, a sickening thud, and Kyo was thrown under the truck as it skidded to a halt._

_There was so much blood. Yuki had abandoned all caution had thrown himself at the truck and knelt beside the body of the boy he had hated so passionately. There was so much blood and Kyo's breathing was so labored, there was absolutely no way he was going to make it to the hospital. Tears blurred his vision, or were that just the rain? He was shaking from the grief of it all or was that just because he was cold? He wanted to cry but he was too numb to do anything. And with a shuddery breath, the cat passed from the living world. His orange eyes closed for all eternity._

_End Flashback_

He opened his eyes and realized he was crying. Impatiently, he wiped his eyes, unwilling for Tohru to see his anguish. She was sad enough without him adding to her troubles. He watched the blue sky and was drifting once again into the shadows when a shrill sound pierced his skull and jerked him awake. He brushed himself off and entered the halls, arriving at his class a few minutes late.

Whispers were traded up and down the rows of students as they asked each other if anyone knew what was wrong with the Prince these days. They had noticed his inattention, seen the sadness that dominated those pretty purple eyes of his, could even feel the gloom that had settled upon him. He was purely untouchable, he had made himself notorious for pushing others away. He ignored their speculations and dropped a bit ungracefully into his seat.

"Sohma-kun? Are you okay?" the girl in front of him turned around and peered quizzically into his face. Why was everyone staring?

"Of course I'm okay. Thank you for asking." He smiled tremulously and bent his head. He was tired of their overenthusiastic attempts to become a part of his life. He had told them no, had kept them at a safe distance, had rejected a fair amount of girls and yet, they still kept coming. When would it never end? Would they take the hints he _so_ subtly dropped? He just wanted to be left alone.

Back at the house, he locked the door to his room, didn't say a word, and just disappeared. Shigure stopped writing when the front door opened.

"Yuki-kun?" he called but received no answer. He slid open the door to his study and peered out the halls. But Yuki was no where to be found. Tohru, he knew, would be at work, so the only person it could have been was Yuki. He padded silently to the closed door and pressed his ear against the wood. Was that crying? He shrugged and decided it would be better not to disturb his introverted cousin.

In his room, Yuki sat on his bed, his head in his hands. He tried not to dwell on the overwhelming guilt that bubbled in his stomach, tried not to hear the little voice in his head that kept repeating 'It's all your fault." He tried not to think that if he hadn't been so cruel his cousin would still be alive. Like acid, it ate away at his insides, burning and gnawing at him. Everyone thought his feelings were "normal," that although he had hated Kyo, he was just in shock at having witnessed the whole thing. They didn't know that he had been the one to chase Kyo into the street. He wanted to forget, wanted some peace from his conscience, wanted to be left ALONE. His eyes caught a small object on his dresser; it was reflecting the sunlight that streamed unbidden through his windows. He picked it up and smiled wanly, his eyes reflected his true feelings however and remained both sad and angry, thinly veiled by a blank, unemotional mask. _This is perfect._

A/N: I mainly used this chapter for background purposes. I wanted Yuki to feel guilty so… it's his fault or so he thinks. Next chapter is Kyo's POV. And just to clarify… I'm going to be switching between Yuki and Kyo's POV. The italicized chappies are Kyo's and the regular ones are Yuki's. With that said, please review!


	5. Crimson Blossoms

Disclaimer: sobs must I do this all the time? deep breath FURUBAISNOTMINE! There.

_I like watching Shigure work. It's always so peaceful, just the sound of his breathing, the clickety-clack of the computer keys, and the occasional cursing when a word or phrase doesn't sound right. He is always so carefree, always smiling as if he doesn't have a care in the world but when he's writing, he becomes someone completely different. He knits his eyebrows together and purses his lips, sometimes removing his glasses to chew on the ends. He looks so… thoughtful. It's soothing in a way; that someone so relaxed can break out of the norm and be a little serious._

"Shigureeeee!" _a boyish voice nearly sings out. It's Ayame, Yuki's rather eccentric older brother. He smiles, showing perfect pearly whites and I swoop closer. Peering into his face, so close that if he were to move an inch he would pass right through me, I stare into his face looking, watching for any signs of any emotion besides blissful happiness. _"Oh Shigure, I haven't been to see you in AGES!"_ he slips off his shoes and drapes himself carelessly over his writer friend._

"Hello there, Aya."_ Shigure sighs and turns off the computer. He knows he certainly won't get any work done with the snake there to distract him._

"Gure-san? Have you noticed how—depressed Yuki has been?"_ Ayame's cheerful façade is dropped and he looks worried. Good, at least he has SOME brotherly feelings in him. Shigure knits his eyebrows back together and the lines on his forehead crease dramatically. He stares straight at me but I know he can't see me and puts a finger to his cheek._

"Yes, I have. It's impossible not to notice. He doesn't eat, refuses to talk, won't smile. He's not the same."_ Shigure nods slowly in agreement to his friend's words. Ayame opens his mouth to say something when they hear the front door open and the sounds of footsteps. Aya ducks behind the desk and Shigure opens the door, pokes his head out. _"Yuki-kun?"_ I leave then, whooshing past Shigure. I follow the faint sounds of crying and enter the room._

_ Yuki is curled up on his bed, looking defeated. I long to reach out and touch him on the shoulder and let him know that he doesn't have to feel guilty. He doesn't have to torture himself with this. But I cannot touch him, cannot reach out to him, cannot speak to him. He picks something up, something silver and metal and sharp. And he smiles to himself. I know what he is thinking, what he wants to do. I watch him helplessly as he rolls up the sleeve of his left arm, all the way up to the elbow. I can do nothing but stand next to him and watch as the blade cuts slowly, deeply into the soft flesh on the underside of his arm. Dark red crimson spills out, beads on his arm and drops. A hiss of pain but then an almost gasp of almost pleasure. The bloodied knife goes back, again and again, higher and higher up his arm and the crimson life flows out of him like nothing, eager anxious to escape the confines of his body. I watch as warm burgundy blossoms when it hits his bedsheets, the white cotton zealously absorbing the thick liquid and spreading the color out, as if to fill itself with his life's essence._

_ He smiles to himself as he watches the blood flow out of him, as he sees the intricately carved details bloom red. The knife drops from his hand, slipping from his grasp like he is too weak to hold it up. His face pales dramatically as more blood is lost and his chest heaves with the effort to keep breathing. Damn._

"H-help."_ whispers soft from his lips but I doubt that the other two heard it. He falls backward and the abused arm drops at his side, clearly visible should anyone care to walk in. I try uselessly to stay the flow but I cannot. He is still awake but too weak to hold himself up._

"_Shigure__!__ Ayame! That kuso nezumi's gonna die if you don't do anything!_"_ I scream, racing back into the study. I see Shigure's ears perk up and he casts a strange glance in the direction of Yuki's room and my mouth drops open. He heard me? But no, he stands up abruptly, interrupting Ayame's concerned ramblings._

"What is it, Gure-chan?"_ but either Shigure didn't hear that or he chose to ignore it, I don't know. They walked towards Yuki's room and now I can hear what caught Shigure's attention. Laughing. They burst inside and see him covered in blood and a faint squeak of fright issues from Ayame. Yuki stops the soft chuckling that must make it so much harder to breathe and then his purple eyes close into welcomed darkness. He is slipping away already, dancing teasingly at the edge of a precipice, ready to fall or maybe to jump. Shigure goes pale but turns into the effective machine that he only becomes when the situation is dire. _

"Aya, call Hatori, right away. Then go get a few towels and soak them in warm water, hurry!"_ he snaps, not out of anger but more out of worry and Aya scurries away. _"Dammit Yuki. One death is enough. Losing Kyo was hard enough. Losing you on top of that-"_ he turned away and grabbed the warm towels that the snake had just brought. He wipes away the blood, gently and gasps seeing the designs crudely carved. He raises the hand above Yuki's head and wraps the slashes with several towels, not too hard but not too loosely. He wipes the hair off Yuki's sweat-slicked forehead and murmurs tersely, _"hang in there, Yuki."__

"Shigure!" _Hatori's__ strong voice resonates through the house and he doesn't bother to take off his shoes before running inside. He takes in the blood-spattered Yuki, the once white bedsheet and Shigure, sitting amidst all the gore, with eyes shimmering unnaturally. _"Shit. He's lost too much blood. C'mon, we must get him to a hospital."_ Hatori scoops Yuki up and carries him to the car. The other two follow and slide in as well; Ayame up front and Shigure in the back, Yuki's head resting in his lap. I sit above Yuki and watch him for signs of life._

_ "Yuki, you have to wake up. You can't just give up so easily." I beg him, my hand stroking his face. He stirs and I jerk back. Getting to the hospital takes all of ten minutes when normally it would take thirty. Hatori ignores every traffic rule there ever was written, his face taut, eyes wide. Ayame grips the armrests and presses his body as close to the chair as possible. He is terrified both for his younger brother and the reckless way his cousin is driving._

"I need a doctor!" _Hatori__ shouts, sounding more like an impassioned boy than his usual reserved doctor act. Everything happens in a blur and before I realize it, they are rolling him away, barking orders at each other. Ayame chokes back a sob but it echoes in the silent room and the other two men turn to him. His lip trembles but he tries valiantly anyways to smile. It doesn't work and the others can see right past the wobbly grin._

"Aya-chan--?" _Hatori__ begins but Aya interrupts._

"I knew something was wro-o-ong!" _he wails loudly and bows his head, sleek silver hair flowing over his shoulders like water to hide and shield his fair face. _"I knew it and I d-di-idn't d-do anyth-thi-ing t-to-o-o he-elp!" _he is almost indiscernible between the sobs and gulps of air. Hatori puts his hand on Ayame's left shoulder and Shigure puts his hand on the right. They cling to each other, each dealing in his own way. I can hear Ayame's loud, dramatic crying, Hatori's frequent sniffs as he tries his best to reign in his emotions, and Shigure's dog-like whimpers. The nurses that pass by, their white shoes squeaking on the tile floor, cast them sympathetic looks; these three beautiful men, they sigh, what could possibly have happened to them? A man in a white lab coat approaches them and they look up, assaulting the tired doctor's eyes with noses dripping, eyes that look as though they've stayed open for too long, and wet cheeks, the fresh liquid catching the fluorescent light._

"Are you here for Sohma Yuki?" _the man inquires, his eyes lingering too long on Ayame. The other two flush indignantly at his obvious longing on the doctor's face. _"We managed to get him stable. He's being transferred to his room. He'll be awake by tomorrow or the day after at the latest but I would like to keep him here for at least a week, just to make sure no complications arise." _He is speaking only to Ayame, who blushes and flutters his long silver eyelashes flirtingly. Hatori pulls him closer, possessive of the smaller man. The doctor notices this and takes in Shigure's slightly curled top lip, a silent snarl forming in his throat, his eyes a challenge. Doctor clears his throat uncomfortably. I smile indulgently at them. Shigure and Ayame are both theatrical and dramatic but Hatori is not one to publicly show his affection. He is slowly being influenced and pretty soon, he will be wearing a kimono like Shigure or acting just as flamboyant as Ayame. I almost feel sorry for him. The poor man is doomed, no matter how hard he resists. _

_But my impatience to see Yuki drives away these thoughts and I walk through the halls trying to find him. In one room, the door is slightly ajar and I catch a glimpse of that brilliant silver hair. I float through the door and settle myself on the bed, next to him. It is amazing how graceful he looks, even in a chemical-induced sleep, even when he flutters so dangerously at the threshold of death. He seems to be made of glass, pure and beautiful, but so fragile, something to be handled with extreme care and reverence. His eyelashes flutter on his pale cheeks, resting softly on that soft skin. His arm is bandaged but even so, I can see where his wounds have almost bled through. A small beam of moonlight shines on him, giving him an angelic appearance and he is flawless in my eyes. I brush my hand on his forehead, a butterfly's kiss, wishing that I could feel the soft silk of his hair through my fingers. I can't help but feel sorry for him, much as I used to hate him. I used to hate him. The past tense rolls on my tongue._

_"I used to hate him." Saying it feels… right somehow. "I like him?" The last word rises in pitch and I end my sentence as a question. Do I like him? I glance back down at him and my question answers itself. I can feel my eyes begin to water but I blink them back, feeling them trembling at the edge of my lashes, quivering anticipating their descent. They are not tears of sorrow nor are they tears of joy, rather they are a bit of both, bitter and sweet rolled together as one. Happiness that I am able to let go of a lifelong hatred but grief and regret that I am unable to share this revelation with the object of such an intense loathing. One tear escapes the confines of my eye and tumbles downward, splashing Yuki's cheek. He flinches and, subconsciously, brings up his arm to wipe away the invisible tear. A flurry of activity at the door and I know the Trio of friends has found the room. Shigure and Hatori appear to be desperately holding onto Ayame, trying to calm him down. "He's not going to wake up." I comment coolly. Of course, they can't hear me._

"Oh Gure-san," _Ayame__ sighs, clutching the novelist's kimono sleeve, _"he looks like he's only sleeping." _They stride over to the bedside and sit down. Ayame puts his hand over Yuki's and begins to talk. He doesn't remember that his younger brother won't be awake until tomorrow. I turn away and look out the window. Tohru will be getting home soon. It's dark and she'll be wondering what happened to Yuki, why didn't he come by to pick her up? She will be worried and rightly so. I sigh. I wouldn't want to be the one to tell her that Yuki almost died this afternoon. Almost as if I had spoken and been heard, Shigure starts up._

"I forgot! Tohru-kun's going to be getting home soon. I didn't leave a note for her. She'll be worried." _He runs a hand through thick dark hair and Hatori stands up._

"Don't worry, I'll drive over and bring her here. She'll want to see him, won't she?" _And then Hatori leaves. Ayame is still murmuring to Yuki, still rubbing the boy's cold hands in his own._

"Hey. The doc says he'll be okay. He'll wake up tomorrow. Don't worry yourself sick, okay?" _Shigure__ comes up from behind Ayame and again, puts a hand on his shoulder. The snake Jyuunichi leans toward the hand, towards the warm presence behind him._

"I know. I just can't help but remember that he hated me so much and what if something happens and he dies and I was never forgiven? I can't li- mmm." _His words are cut short as Shigure does the only thing that can shut Ayame up when he is agitated. He melts into Shigure's warm mouth his body turned almost 180 degrees in the chair. Without breaking the kiss, Shigure moves around the chair so they are facing each other and the kiss deepens. Hands clutch desperately to warm fabric, scrabbling to touch skin and breathing rates increase and moans can be heard in the throats of who I don't care to find out. Ayame's surprisingly plain shirt comes off and he gasps as his hot flesh touches the ice-cold metal of the chair. He looks at Shigure who looks back and they seem to come out of a trance, waking up to harsh reality._

_"God you guys, Yuki's lying in that bed right beside you and you make out? You know what would have happened if he had woken up just then?" I snicker, rolling my eyes. Then Hatori comes in with Tohru and she utters a sort of scream and rushes to his side. I watch Hatori and his gaze is flickering between Ayame and Shigure and he takes in Ayame's bare chest and Shigure's messed up hair and I know he can literally smell the hormones rushing in those two men's bodies. His expression remained passive but I can hear him._

"I leave for thirty minutes. I can't even leave them in the same room for thirty damn minutes."

"Haa-san, that's not fair. We didn't- erm- do anything, per se." _Shigure__ holds up his hands, a nervous smile adorning his face._

"Then why is Aya-san's shirt off, may I ask?" _Hatori__ sounds calm but his jaw tightens and I can hear the barely controlled edge creeping up in his voice._

"Well, you see, it got- er- hot. Yes, hot! And I was so uncomfortable that I had to take off my shirt." __

"Really? Well, I guess you completely overlooked the thermometer in here? And if it really WAS so hot, as you claim, why didn't Shigure feel the need to take off his kimono, which I know for a fact is a lot thicker than that shirt you were just wearing." _Hatori__ crosses his arms, the edge still in his throat but a look of amusement is evident in his eyes as he observes the two men in front of him. He knows they are lying, he is just playing along to see when they finally decide to confess. And he really can't be so mad at them._

"We-ell, Haa-san, you see, I'm not wearing anything under this," _Shigure__ indicates the kimono, _"so it really wouldn't be proper if I had taken it off but whew, is it HOT." _He fans himself with his hand._

"I see. And being your doctor and all, I've seen you take off that kimono loads of times and you have always worn something under, if not only boxers." _Hatori__ muses, stroking his chin thoughtfully. _"How can I be so sure that you aren't lying to me?"

"All right, all right!" _Ayame__ breaks out into a cold sweat; he knows Hatori knows. _"We were-" _he casts a glance in Tohru's direction, _"we were- doing—something." _And then blushes bright red._

"Hmm. I see." _Hatori__ watches the two of them squirming, both refusing to meet his eyes. _

"Are you—are you mad with us, Haa-san?" _Shigure__ asks quietly, watching him with his perfected "puppy-dog" look. Hatori chuckles a bit when he sees this._

"That is not going to work on me, Shii-chan, and you know it. But no, I am not mad at you." _This is getting too mushy for Hatori has just gotten down on his knees beside the two other men and is whispering affectionate words that I will never care to hear._

"Sohma-kun, I'm so sad that you wanted to hurt yourself. I- I'm sorry that I wasn't able to help you. I hope you will get better and I promise you I'll come every day." _Tohru__ whispers into his ear, playing with his hair. A feeling, one that I'm not used to feeling, comes over me and I want to scream at her to get away from him because only I can do that. But before I do, I catch myself. I don't know exactly what's going on, what's come over me because I sure don't feel very comfortable with it._

_"Damn you, Yuki," I spit, "what the hell are you doing to me?" But he doesn't answer and never will. He doesn't know I'm here, asking him for an answer, the only one that I need, that he cannot give._

A/N: I want to thank all my reviewers for well, reviewing!

Polka dot: thanks for mentioning that. I think I might refer to everyone else's reactions next chapter…


	6. Painful Memories

Disclaimer: sticks out tongue fruits basket, much as I wish it were, is not owned by me and I am not making any money out of this.

_"Is it true, Yun-chan? Is it really true?" A girl's voice echoed. Her pretty eyes shimmering; hope and hopelessness battling within her soul, the fight visible in those pools of brown. "Kyo-kun? I-is__ dead?" a short nod confirms her worst fears and a shrill wail erupts from her chest, ripping through the air and sending chills up every one's spines. A soft thud as her knees hit the wood floor and her sobs became muffled as she tried to hold it in. "He's dead. He's dead." She kept murmuring it to herself, as if by sheer repetition, it would be proven a lie and there would be the orange headed boy forever running from her._

_"Kyo-kun is dead." Another voice repeated again, flat and lifeless. The ever-present smile turned to a frown marred the cute features of the small boy. Even his clothes, normally so bright, seemed to fade, everything colorful in the world turned dull by this tragedy. The boy clung to a girl with long brown hair, a girl who looked equally sad._

_Tears. Perpetually flowing tears adorned everyone's faces. Cries that wracked everyone, from the slightest frames to those most sturdy as the cursed mourned. Shaking shoulders and trembling words. Smiles fake and wooden, smiles used to keep up appearances. Screw appearances. This was a time to freely grieve. Sniffs and the honking of blowing noses, no need to add humiliation upon the already enormous pile of hurt._

_It was quiet save for the sounds of each person's quiet lament for the death of one of their own. Silent except for the unearthly howl of wind and the soft falling of snow. Calm except for a screaming, raging inside his very chest. A shrieking in the center of his heart, the cry of loss._

Sunlight was pouring in, warming the cold, bare room with its light and casting a golden shade on dull metal. It assaulted the face of the room's only occupant and he twitched before slowly cracking his eyes open. He quickly closed them again, groaning as his sensitive eyes were battered with unwanted light. He tried to sit up but the arm he was using to prop up his lithe body gave out and he fell back with a flop, curses exploding from his mouth like fireworks in America.

"Oh no, Sohma Yuki, you mustn't try and sit up yet." A squat old nurse rushed in, waddling slightly. "Lie down, lie down." She smoothed out the bedcovers and affectionately patted his face. "You've had quite an ordeal. No, no, mustn't sit up yet." Then she pushed a few buttons and the bed shifted so that Yuki was still leaning against the pillows but in a more upright position. She was quiet for a moment, smiling down at him through pouchy eyes that were only half-open. "But you're family will be wanting to know you've woken up. Yes, yes, they'll want to know." And then she was gone. Yuki gazed after her, wondering for her sanity and the wisdom of the hospital for putting him in the care of a clearly mental person.

"Yuki-kun!" and he was engulfed in black hair, bright colors, and a crushing hug.

"Can't—breathe." He managed to gasp and the hug loosened and his vision cleared of the bright red and gold hues.

"Serves you right, trying to kill yourself." And then a hand descended on him and smacked his forehead. "What in the name of hell were you thinking?"

"I- I-" but he couldn't answer and instead, turned his eyes to the window that needed some serious cleaning. His long fingers played with the blanket and he looked to be trying to rip it apart.

"You had us worried sick. Ayame was going hysterical and even Hatori was losing composure. Hatori! What would have happened if YOU had died as well? I ask you. And Tohru, she was here all night, fretting about leaving you alone because what if you suddenly stopped breathing or had an attack or something like that? I had to literally drag her away from you in order for her to get some sleep. Everyone looks terrible. Puffy eyes from crying and purple bags from staying up way too late."

"Well, I'm sorry, okay?!" Yuki exploded, turning a furious gaze upon the lecturing man. "I don't know what I was thinking. I just- I just couldn't deal with it anymore." And he reverted his eyes back to the window.

"Deal with what?"

"Shigure?" And Yuki sounded so like a lost child that there was nothing Shigure could do but sit on the bed and put his arms around the boy, instantly regretting the mixture of anger and worry that he had unleashed upon him. "Shigure, what if I did something horrible? Would you hate me?"

"Hate you? Yuki-kun, what drugs are they giving you? Of course I wouldn't hate you!"

"But Shigure, it—it was my fault that Kyo died." Yuki said this quickly with the concept of ripping a Band-aid off faster to get the pain over with.

"What? Yuki, it was no one's fault. How can you say something like that?" Shigure was confused and alarmed. Was his younger cousin serious?

"It's my fault, Shigure. It's MY fault. Just before he died, he challenged me to a fight and I gave it to him. But I beat him like always, with one go and- and then I said something to him and he got this—this look on his face. He looked so—oh, I dunno—so hurt and angry and confused and sad and—and then he just took off and I was running after him and he ran into the street and he didn't see the truck coming and I should've pushed him out of the way of the truck, I should've. Only I hesitated and then it was too late and now he's dead and I can't tell him how sorry I am for saying what I said." And Yuki looked miserable as he stared down at his lap.

"Yuki, look at me." Purple eyes shifted upwards. "It was not your fault. It was not your fault, it was not the driver's fault, it was not Kyo's fault. It was no one's fault. You could easily have thrown yourself at him and then YOU'D be the one dead, not Kyo. And it is a surprise to hear all this, but listen to me, you can't go blaming yourself. You'll go crazy." Shigure leaned in closer. "You feel sorry now, don't you?" Yuki nodded vehemently, indignant at the question with such an obvious answer. "Then, no one's blaming you. Everyone's done something that they regret. And maybe it was just Kyo's time to go. He could have easily jumped out of the way himself or the driver could have stopped faster or he could have pulled through. There is a reason for everything and maybe some good will come out of this that no one knows. Maybe this will be, in retrospect, a good thing. So don't agonize over it, okay?" Shigure kissed him on the forehead and smiled stunningly. "I think I'll go get myself some coffee. Aya and Hatori will be wanting to see you." Sure enough, as he opened the door two men bounced inside, or rather, one man bounced inside with all the exuberance of a happy puppy and the other was dragged in, a long suffering expression lengthening his face.

"YUKI-KUN!" The exuberant one made to race over to the bed with every intention of throwing himself onto his brother and squeezing the life out of him. Hatori caught him by his hair and tugged, causing him to fall over. "What the hell was that for? My hair!" Ayame moaned, rubbing his head and glaring at his lover.

"Calm down and I'll let go." Came the response and Ayame pouted angrily but agreed. He picked himself up off the floor with as much dignity as he had left and made his way to the bed where he sat down and proceeded to stare intently at the teenager.

"What do you want?" Yuki asked irritably, leaning back away from the feminine face that watched him so openly.

"You had us worried sick, baka." Both men said in unison and Yuki, depressed though he was, had to fight hard to suppress the smirk that arose on his face.

"Where's Tohru?" His question elicited an resentful sound from Ayame.

"You ask about Tohru but don't care what happened to your own brother?!" The voice rose in pitch, sounding more girlish than ever by the end of the sentence.

"Yes. Now answer the question, dear brother." Yuki groaned as a headache threatened to take over; he could already hear pounding in his ears.

"Tohru's sleeping right now. She stayed up all night keeping a steady vigil at your bedside." Hatori cut in over Ayame's incoherent sputters. Yuki smiled tenderly. That was just like Tohru, always putting others before herself, even when it meant sacrificing welcomed sleep.

"Ha'ri, when can I go home?" he turned to his doctor, choosing to ignore his brother who was seriously getting on his nerves.

"The doctor we spoke to last night wants to keep you here for at least a week but I'll see what I can do." Hatori answered, running a hand through his jet black hair. Staying at the hospital too long would be risking the discovery of their curse and Hatori really didn't want to have to erase the memories of any unsuspecting nurse. He disappeared for a while and when he came back, Tohru was in the room, wringing Yuki's hand and asking him if he was okay, did he need anything to eat? Yuki was smiling and politely declining and Tohru sat back.

"Well? What did they say?" Yuki asked, eager to leave the hospital with its smells of disinfectant and the constant sounds of squeaking shoes and barking orders and the beeping of machines was driving him insane.

"He acquiesced and said you can go home this afternoon. But," Hatori said sternly, holding up a finger, "you are not to do anything too physical, not to exert yourself, basically not do anything but eat, sleep, or laze around. And I will be staying with you to watch for any signs of physical illness. Hopefully, there won't be any long term repercussions from this little—shall we say, escapade?" Yuki squirmed and glanced fleetingly at his arm which was still bandaged. "The stitches will be coming out next week but in the meantime, you can't let it get wet and I'll help you change the bandages every few hours, okay? And please? Don't do this again."

Later…

He was home. Yuki breathed in the scent of the trees and the clean air and the smells of his home. The faint smell of lemon cleanser abounded but it wasn't overpowering and his sensitive nose could even pick up a hint of what Tohru had cooked the night before. The sun was still up, shining merrily and brightening up the house.

"Remember what I said, Yuki. Under threat of severe punishment, I forbid you to do anything that requires physical exertion." Hatori put on his stern doctor face and waggled his forefinger at Yuki who sighed, rolled his eyes, then nodded. "Now go take a nap." He protested but his doctor was firm and he was bustled into his room and thrown into the bed. He was left alone and the door was closed and, accepting defeat, he closed his eyes. But he could not find sleep. No matter which way he tossed and turned, he could not get comfortable and finally he stood and padded down the hall to a room. He pushed open the door, curled up in the bed and was asleep in a matter of moments.

"Haa-saaaaan, why do you have to stay heeeere?" Ayame whined, clinging to his cousin's arm.

"I told you already. If any problems occur, a doctor should be here to watch over him. You are welcome to leave if you want. But then, me and Shigure…" Hatori left the end of the sentence hanging, allowing Ayame to fill in the blanks for himself. He pushed open the door and was ready to fall on the bed and sleep until the next morning when he realized the bed was already occupied.

"Why'd you stop?" Ayame peered over Hatori's shoulder and his mouth dropped open in surprise when he saw the peacefully sleeping Yuki. "Well, well, well. What do we have here? Yuki? Asleep in Kyo's bed? Now why would he be here? Perhaps he was sleepwalking? Or maybe-"  
"Shut up, Aya-san. You really want to wake him up?" Hatori hissed and guided Ayame away from the bed. "We'll just sleep in Shigure's room. I doubt Yuki will appreciate it if we sleep in HIS room." Ayame looked gleeful.

"You mean we get to sleep with Shii-chan? Yay!" he clapped his hands, "Are we going to have some fun tonight, Haa-san?" his question was innocent enough but his lover caught the double meaning and chucked Ayame under the chin, grinning indulgently.

"I suppose so. If Shigure is up to it." And then his lips captured Aya's and he led the silver-headed man away from the room, closing the door softly behind them. Yuki, blissfully unaware of the whole dialogue, slept on. His mind dwelling on half born wishes and hopes that he knew in the back of his mind he had no chance they would ever come true but could not bring himself to stop his heart from dreaming.

A/N: Alrighty, I couldn't help myself with the yaoi fluff between Ayame, Shigure, and Hatori… umm, what else to say? What else to say…? i hope you liked it! until next time...


	7. New Revelations and Arising Feelings

Disclaimer: not mine. Not making money. If I was, I wouldn't be broke…

_It is night and everyone has disappeared into their rooms. I wander around without having to worry about floating through anyone, a feeling that would be unpleasant for both me and that unfortunate person. The moon streams through the windows and suddenly, I have the urge to be outside, a floating spectral in the dark night woods. How romantic. So I walk outside and muted silver light hits me and seeing everything so dark and shadowy is both creepy and beautiful. I float to my favorite tree and rest in the branches, like I used to do when I was alive. It feels so good to be here, alone, with the leaves rustling in the slight breeze and feeling the moonlight. I find myself staring absently into Yuki's room but something isn't right. My brain, still spinning with what has happened recently, doesn't notice at first but… I bolt upright. There isn't anyone inside. Yuki should be asleep but there is no lump under the covers, no splash of dark silver hair spread out on against the whiteness of his pillow. Where is that damn rat? Curious, I beam through the windows (gods, but I love not having to open anything) and roam through the house, searching for him._

_I stop at Shigure's room where I can distinctly hear moaning and was that a thump? I cross my eyes and shake my head. The mental picture that arises will probably never go away. Ugh. And then the screaming starts, muffled but tearing through the silence of the house. It's a wonder Yuki hasn't woken up. Incoherent words and low moaning and panting. Have they always been like that? Or had I just not noticed? Thanking the gods that they were only together rarely, I move away quickly, unwilling to hear anymore. But the sounds follow me. My hand rests on the door to my room and amidst the lust-filled groaning, I can hear another sound and I push my way through._

_In MY bed there's a lump. On MY pillow there's a head of hair. Silver hair. And Yuki is sleeping in my room._

"NO!" _Yuki suddenly screams out and sits up. His chest is heaving and his eyes are wild as they dart around the room, lingering on the shadowy corners and ominous shapes on the wall. He grips his hair in two clenched fists, looking like he's trying to tear out those silver locks, and bows his head. _"Dammit, baka neko," _he curses, _"stop haunting me. Go away. Is this payback for something?" _and my heart stops._

_"Well it's not MY fault, damn rat!" I scream, sudden anger filling me. "I didn't ASK to be here. I just died and now, by some freak accident or whatever the hell that was, I'm back. And I sure as hell wasn't the one who asked me to stay!"_

"You keep appearing in my dreams. I can't stop thinking about you. Just go away," _he mutters._

_"I don't WANT to be here!" I scream at him, my fist clenching as I give way to my infamous temper. He always hated the way I wore my heart on my sleeve, how I could never control my emotions. I am about to throw a punch at him (though I know it will just pass right through him and do him no harm) when he speaks._

"I don't want to think about something I can't have," _he whispers to his knees. _"I don't want to feel this—agony every time I see you in my thoughts. It hurts too much." _The anger dissipates. I am left feeling—what am I feeling? I feel confused, sad, lonely, and strangely happy at this new revelation. I allow my arm to go slack and suddenly, I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms, hold him until he stops crying. _

_But the thought is futile so I push it away and watch him staring out the window in my room. His eyes are misty, haunted as if he is not simply looking outside but looking through at something he alone can see. It was in that moment that I finally saw the true Yuki, the one who wasn't so mysterious, wasn't the Prince, wasn't the child of the rat. He is just Yuki and he looks younger than ever, more vulnerable and somehow, so much more beautiful. He is realer tonight than I have ever seen him before, as if all those years of hating him, I hated a hologram, an echo of the one inside. I had stopped hating him and now, I think I am even beginning to feel something rather akin to like towards him. It's funny how seeing someone exposed, without the barriers they have put up, can really change your mind about them. Watching Yuki is almost heart wrenching, the way he has ceased to stop living. Because of me. Because I died. It's strange that all that hatred we felt towards one another may actually have been something different, something sweet._

_"Yuki-kun, kuso nezumi, you really shouldn't say things like that. It makes being dead so much harder." I growl and I can literally see him jump._

"What was that? Who's there?" _his eyes once again dart around the room, searching for something and I'm not sure if he's heard me or just something else. _"This isn't funny, you know." _And I think, maybe he HAS heard me. But he couldn't have. _"Kyo?" _he pauses, then shakes his head, slightly hitting the palm of his hand against his forehead, _"what the hell am I thinking? He's dead, Yuki, and he's not coming back. So FORGET ABOUT HIM!" _Lapsing into a brooding silence, he stares through the barriers of time, haunted amethyst eyes lost in old memories._

_As the first of the sun's rays peek over the horizon turning inky blue skies brilliant colors of red and orange, Tohru awakens like she always does, eyes still cloudy with sleep. Pretty soon, the mundane sounds of morning rituals chases the silence away with cheery chattering, yawns, and the tempting smells of breakfast. Yuki is still sitting in my bed, awake but not in tune with what is going on outside the door and dark bags under his eyes attest to his late night insomnia. I can hear Shigure stomping around the house, calling for him._

"Shii-chan, Yuki's still in his room." _Ayame__ says, a sly tone lacing the helpful words._

"No, he isn't, Aya-san," _Shigure__ replies irritably, _"I just checked. I'm not stupid, you know."

"Oh, I know. It seems he's taken up residence in Kyo's room." _I can just see the gleam in his eye as he hisses these words in Shigure's ear. I can almost hear the mirth bubbling up in his throat, not cruel laughter but good natured, as if he is truly genuinely happy that Yuki really doesn't hate me after all. The door opens, silver and black mingle together as both dog and snake poke their heads in. They catch sight of him, wrapped up in my blankets, propped against my pillows and begin to giggle. Yuki slowly turns his head, brought back to the present by the high pitched sniggers._

"You know, if I was anything like Haru, you'd be in big trouble." _The smiles melt off their faces and he jumps lightly off the bed, gasping silently as the sensitive flesh on the bottom of his feet comes in contact with the cold wood floor. He brushes past them, shoving his older brother out of his way and departs through the door to the shower._

"Good morning, Sohma-kun!" _Tohru__ cheerfully greets him when he walks in, hair still a bit damp from the shower he's just taken. He serves himself to the food Tohru has arranged on the table and I notice that he eats only slightly more than yesterday. His eyes keep darting to my former place at the table, where Ayame and Hatori are currently sitting but his glances go unnoticed by everyone but me. _"Sohma-kun? Are you sure you want to go to school today?" _Big brown eyes watch him worriedly for signs of sickness and her hands go to his forehead to check for a fever. _"You don't look very well." _He smiles at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling, his lips stretched tight over his teeth, a forced smile._

"I'm okay, Honda-san." _He goes back to eating; pecking at his food the way a bird pecks at crumbs on the ground. _

_"No you're not. You couldn't be more not okay." I tell him. He yelps and jerks violently, knocking over a water glass. Everyone stares at him but he doesn't see; his eyes are too busy trying to find the source of whatever it is he heard._

"Yuki-kun, what's wrong?" _Shigure__ places a hand on his shaking one._

"D-did s-someone hear th-that?" _he stutters, looking around the pristine kitchen for someone or something. They all give him strange looks._

"No one said anything, Yuki." _Hatori__ says slowly like he's speaking to a child. Yuki glares at him._

"I know I heard something. I HEARD something." _He insists. _"Someone said that I wasn't okay. That I couldn't be more—more not okay, I think." _Hatori__, Ayame, and Shigure exchange meaningful glances. I can practically see their thoughts floating between their eyes. 'He's hallucinating now, oh God.' _

_But it's strange that suddenly he can hear me. No one can hear me. I don't understand it but maybe I'll be able to use this to my benefit. Although in the future I don't think it would be very wise to speak to him while others are around. He may be freaked out about hearing me without being able to see me but that would be nothing compared to what others would feel if he keeps insisting that he's hearing a disembodied voice speaking directly to him._

A/N: hmm, a bit fluffy but next chapter will be quite angsty. Thanks to all my reviewers! It's very encouraging.


	8. Curiosity

Disclaimer: yadda yadda yadda… Fruits Basket isn't mine.

Someone was talking to him, someone he couldn't see and someone that no one else seemed to hear. It was strange but he wrote it off as hallucinations, maybe he was still dreaming. Whatever it was, Yuki was determined to ignore it.

_"Hey Yuki-kun.__ You better hurry and get your ass to school or you'll be late." _Yuki clenched his teeth to keep from crying out. _Is it just my imagination or does that 'voice' sound just like Kyo's? Whoever or whatever it is, this is starting to freak me out. _But he sighed and followed Tohru out the door. He didn't need his older cousins to worry that he was losing his mind, which he was beginning to think that he was.

"Sohma-kun, is there anything you want to talk about?" Tohru's sweet voice cut through the fog of confusion in his head. "I'm here for you if you just need to get things off your chest."

"Thank you, Honda-san." He nodded and hitched a smile on his face. "I'm fine but I'll keep that in mind." Saying nothing more, the two walked to school in a companionable silence. But he kept his eyes trained to the cement beneath his feet and in doing so, missed the furtive looks of unease that Tohru frequently sent his way.

"Sohma Yuki," a ruler slammed on his desk and he jumped up, staring blearily at the thick hand holding the ruler. "Sleeping again! That does it, that's the third time this week. Since you obviously didn't hear a word I was just saying, perhaps you'd like a refresher on today's lecture? In detention." Smiling sweetly, his teacher straightened and walked back to the front of the room. He glared at her with every ounce of hatred he could muster. The students glanced at him, puzzled; it really wasn't like him to sleep during class and it certainly wasn't like him to show such intense disgust toward a teacher.

After class, however, he resigned himself to doing whatever the teacher had in store for him. She sat him down and lectured him for a while then left him to do the worksheets she'd assigned. He was in for two hours of her detention and finishing the worksheets didn't even take up half the time.

_"Stupid cow. Who does she think she is?" _And he snapped his head in the direction he thought he'd heard the voice coming from but there was no one there. He forced himself to relax; he didn't realize that every muscle in his body had tensed when the disembodied voice floated through his ears. But the rest of the time passed uneventfully; no more voice, the teacher was pleased with the work he handed to her, and he had successfully managed not to fall asleep in the pleasantly warm sunlight that filtered through one of the windows. He swung the bag around his shoulders and walked out, assuring her that this would not happen again. He was about to walk through the gates when a small sound caught his attention. He turned his head and amongst the trees he saw something. His curiosity piqued he walked closer, somehow realizing that he shouldn't allow himself to be seen unless it was absolutely necessary.

"No, please god, no. Leave me alone, please." A girl whispered, her voice catching; she sounded close to tears. He crept closer still, hidden in the trees and all the shrubbery. What he saw horrified, disgusted, and angered him. "No. No, not like this. Just leave me alone."

A very pretty girl was backing up, begging with a tall, muscular man. She was wearing a school uniform but Yuki didn't know who she was. He had never seen her before. Her shirt was untucked and her skirt was torn. Her pale face was streaked with dirt and tears and her long legs were scraped, muddy, and bleeding. Long black hair billowed in the wind that suddenly picked up and Yuki could see the leaves stuck them. The man advanced on her with a feral look in his eye and an animalistic grin on his face. He looked too old to be attending the high school so Yuki figured he was about twenty years of age or maybe even more.

"Shut up you little whore." He snarled angrily and then the sharp sound of flesh hitting flesh and a soft thud. The girl was on the ground now, her lower body resting on her hips but her upper body twisted at the waist and her face was pressed into the rich dirt. "I'm going to get what I want, when I want it." And the man crouched down and harshly grabbed her arm. He pulled her toward him and kissed her on the lips. She struggled, small fists smacking his broad chest, doing nothing but angering him even more. He threw her back on the ground and she fell with a loud cry. Her lip was bleeding and she coughed, still pleading with the man. He kicked her and she clutched her stomach, whimpering and shaking and by this time, all Yuki saw was red. She was hurt, in trouble, and he needed to help her.

"Leave her alone!" he yelled and launched himself at the man who looked up at him, surprise registering on his face.

"What the-" was all he could say before Yuki knocked him backward. He stood with an ugly look and faced Yuki. When he realized how small and slight the boy was, he began to laugh. "You have the nerve to try and take me on? I could kill you, boy." And, arms outstretched, he ran at Yuki who was able to dodge him easily. With all the skill and agility borne to the slender boy, he kicked his attacker much like he would have kicked Kyo. The man went flying and when he landed, he scrambled to his feet. "This isn't over. I'll find you, boy, whoever you are. And then you'll be sorry you ever messed with the likes of me." Rubbing his jaw, he turned tail and jumped over the fence closing in the school grounds.

Breathing slightly harder than usual from his exertions, Yuki then turned his attentions to the girl who had pushed herself into a sitting position. He approached her but she scooted away from him, her torn skirt snagging on the branches and twigs littering the ground. She stopped and he crouched beside her, hands reaching out to her. She cowered and shrunk away from him.

"I won't hurt you." He said quietly. She stopped moving away from him but watched him with distrusting eyes. "Come on, let's get you home." He grasped her by the hand and helped her stand up. She went willingly but began to shiver. He shrugged off his blazer and handed it to her.

"Thank you." Not another word was said until they reached her apartment building. Yuki escorted her inside, just to be safe. He pressed the doorbell and it was opened by a broad woman of average height. She wrinkled her eyebrow and perused him skeptically but then she saw the girl.

"Sayuri!" and the girl threw herself at the older woman, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Oh mama, I'm so sorry." Sayuri said and buried her face in her mother's arms.

"Excuse me, ma'am," Yuki coughed discreetly, trying to get the two females' attentions. Both of them looked at him. "I think it would be wise if Sayuri was taken to a police station, so she could file a report against the man who did this. He shouldn't be allowed to walk free." Sayuri's mother nodded and smiled at him.

"Thank you, sir. We'll be sure to do that." She inclined her head toward the floor to show her gratitude.

"Yes, thank you. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there to help me." Sayuri spoke up. She removed the blazer from her shoulders and handed it to him. He took it and the mother-daughter pair walked inside the house and closed the door firmly behind their backs. Yuki left the building and started back for home. Tohru and Shigure both would be worried about him and sure to ask of his whereabouts and his reason for arriving home so late.

_"Dammit, be careful. That man looked dangerous. He'll be sure to keep his word about making you regret what you did." _The same voice warned. Yuki shrugged his shoulders, knowing that he couldn't argue. Was he really sure the voice he kept hearing wasn't coming from inside his own mind? But he couldn't shake the feeling that this was Kyo's voice. It _sounded_ like Kyo's voice. What was Kyo doing in his head?

It was getting late and the sky was darkening. As the sun faded from the sky, Yuki shivered from the chilly night breeze that swept past him and threaded his arms through the blazer, pulling it closer around his slim body, snuggling into the warmth the fabric and his body created. The house came into view and Yuki had never been so happy to see it before. He had treaded this path so many times but the sight of the house with its paper doors and twinkling lights hadn't ever seemed so sweet. It was cold and he was shivering flat-out so he wasted no time in opening the door and stepping into the heated hallway, grateful that he was able to shut out the cold. He was just slipping his shoes off when a very angry Shigure came rushing out of his study.

"Where the bloody hell have you been, Yuki? He demanded, hands on his hips.

"I'm sorry I'm so late. I was—delayed on my way home and had no way of reaching you. I'm sorry," Yuki bowed apologetically and Shigure calmed down.

"What's the matter with you lately? I never would have thought you'd be so affected with Kyo's death. Kyo, of all people. If only he could see you now."

A/N: Not much happening here… but it's an IMPORTANT chapter. Keep that in mind…. hint hint


	9. Accidents

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket isn't mine.

_Dammit__, that nosy baka. He HAD to know what that noise was didn't he? He HAD to get involved. Damn his kindness. I watch him taking the poor trembling girl home and I curse him. Okay, maybe I am being a little hard on him, he is just doing a good deed after all, but I have a bad feeling. That man doesn't look like the type to make empty threats. He's going to want revenge. He says goodbye to the women and starts home._

_"Dammit, be careful. That man looked dangerous. He'll be sure to keep his word about making you regret what you did." I growl at him. He nods grimly and I know he knows. He is not stupid after all, I have to give him that. It's getting late and as he treads home the sky darkens and the night air is pretty cold. He shivers and pulls his jacket closer to his body, his eyes focused on his feet. He doesn't see the appreciative looks that are thrown his way by both men and women._

"Oh, what a beautiful person." _One girl sighs to her friend who nods. They watch him walk away. A man walking hand in hand with another man nudges his partner and points openly at Yuki. His partner grins and nods but I wonder if he is slightly jealous of the attention Yuki is receiving. I shake my head. Of course it's Yuki who gets the attention, the praise, the respect. But now the old resentment that I allowed to fester inside of me is gone and it is strangely liberating, a burden cast off finally._

_At home he is pounced upon by Shigure who is torn between being angry and relieved. Yuki handles it perfectly, knowing exactly what to do to calm Shigure down. He goes to his room and I am about to follow him when I catch Shigure's words, talking more to himself than to Yuki's retreating back._

"What's the matter with you lately? I never would have thought you'd be so affected with Kyo's death. Kyo, of all people. If only he could see you now." _He shakes his head sadly. I know what he means. _

_Yuki was never like this. He was always so sure of himself, always knowing what to do and how to handle difficult situations. But he seems so out of sorts, so confused, like that day Tohru left to live with her grandfather. We didn't know what to do without her, we had become dependent upon her to keep our house clean, cook our food, but more than than, to always be there with a smile and a kind word when we most needed it. He is acting like that, moping around the house. It's pathetic almost but I can't help feeling sorry for him._

_I can't help but wonder if, our roles had been reversed and he had been the one to die, would I be as affected? Would I mourn the loss of a cousin or smile at the final defeat of the rat? A shudder runs down my spine when I contemplate this question. Yuki is so different from me. We deal with things differently. Would I miss him if I had lived and he had died? I guess I will never know and it does not do to dwell on unanswerable questions. So I float away and find Yuki, in his room, shrugging off his shirt and stepping out of his pants. Shit. I can feel a blush rising in my cheeks and turn around. Without thinking, I start to speak._

_"I wonder if I would have mourned your loss. It makes me feel bad when I have to honestly say that I don't think I would have." He freezes, halfway bent over to pick up his dirty uniform._

"What? Who is that?" _his voice trembles just a bit and I bite my cheek to keep from telling him. It won't be wise to tell him that I can watch him, have been watching him, and cannot be seen. He shrugs and dresses in his pajamas. As he leaves the room, I see him glance backward into the room as if he hopes to catch whatever is speaking to him off-guard so he can see it. In fact, his eyes train directly on me and I freeze for a moment out of instinct then relax when my body realizes what my mind already knows: he can't see me. At times I wish I could touch him, hold him, tell him that I don't hate him after all. But then I remind myself that it won't happen and it aches so much that I have to forget about those thoughts, push them away from me. _

"Good night, Sohma-kun," _Tohru__ calls from her room, peering out through her door, obviously deciding not to press him. I decide to visit her, see how she is doing, hoping against all hope that she is not as messed up as Yuki. She is lying on the bed, staring at a moonlit ceiling, tears spilling down the sides of her face as she cries silently, though about what I do not know._

_"Tohru-kun, you really should let your feelings be known. They can't help you if they can't see your pain." I say kindly, looking fondly down at her. She is so sweet, so naïve but she is always there, always waiting for someone to need her help. I care about her._

"Oh Kyo-kun," _she sighs, breaking into my thoughts, _"Sohma-kun is so troubled nowadays. He won't smile but he also refuses to let anyone know of the pain he is feeling inside. He's hurting, I just know he is, he's hurting and he won't let me help him. I wish I knew what to do." _I walk around her room, not knowing what to say or what to do, and on her desk are two pictures. One is of her beloved mother who she speaks so lovingly of and the other one, to my surprise, is a picture of me. I don't know where or how she got it but it was the picture Hatori took of us the first time he ever met Tohru. Yuki and I have the appearance of smiling but that was a fluke. Yuki is wearing that ridiculous dress he was too kind to refuse and, standing next to him, I look scruffy and unkempt. I look back and Tohru has fallen asleep so I walk through her door._

_Yuki is still in his room, hunched over his desk doing homework. He utters a soft sigh of frustration and throws his pen on the desk. He stands up and begins to pace, hands clasped behind his back, head staring at the floor._

_"Stop pacing already. You're driving me insane." He stops, wide-eyed, and I can literally see every muscle in his body tense. He moves to his bed and sits down with his back to the wall, hugging a pillow to his chest as if to protect himself._

"Who are you? Why are you following me? Why can't I see you?" _he asks fearfully and I almost hate seeing him so scared._

_"You want to know all those things? They are questions that I don't know the answer to so it is useless to ask that of __me.__" I say firmly, outright lying to him. A strange look crosses his face but the next second, his expression is as composed as always._

"I don't know who you are but—something feels familiar about—talking with you." _he says. Damn. I stay silent, knowing that if we are to keep talking I will tell him what I don't want him to know. He looks like he's waiting but when no answer comes, he smiles but a flicker in his eyes tells me he is disappointed I'm not saying anything. A little while later, he stands, peeks cautiously out the door and, making sure that no one can see him, he tiptoes to my room, snuggles into my bed and is asleep within minutes. I shake my head._

_In sleep, he appears so innocent. In sleep, with the moon shining on his face, he looks just like an angel would. In sleep, he has no troubles, no burdens, nothing but dreams and darkness._

_In the morning, he awakens extra early; the sun is still not up, the sky is a dark indigo and the world is still sleeping. Yuki dresses in his uniform gets ready for school and leaves. Now the sky is a lightening blue-grey, the first of the sun's rays can be seen. By this time, Tohru is barely opening her eyes and she wakes up pretty early. He walks alone, pensive and quiet, thinking. His movements are fluid, graceful and I'm struck by how he seemingly glides along as he walks. For the first time, I am truly appreciative of his beauty and can understand just why he is so admired and so sought after by the girls of the school._

"You know, I've never felt this way. I have never felt such sadness, such a hole in my heart. It's strange that this longing could be triggered by the death of the one I thought I hated most. I feel guilty that the last words he heard from me were words of loathing but more than that, I can't help but feel--" _he sighs heavily, _"oh, I dunno, as if—as if I've lost the one thing most important to me in my life." _I stagger back and can feel my jaw hanging open. With effort, I close my mouth and focus on walking right next to him. It would be easier to be ignored by him if he hated me. I want to know if he would say those things to me, to my face. I wonder what it would be like to touch those satin lips of his and—wait a minute, dammit. I can't like him. Sure I don't hate him anymore but I can't fall in love with him, can I? I mean, I've found out things about him that I didn't know before and seeing him acting like this, knowing that he has feelings and desires makes me fond of him but—I am not in love with him. I can't be. He retreats back into his shell and says no more. We are walking across a street when suddenly a loud bang breaks the silence of the early morning. Yuki turns his head towards the source._

_"No! Get out of the way, dammit! Run!" I scream but it's as if he's frozen. He is staring down the headlights of a careening SUV whose tires are blown and he makes no move to get away. The driver is panicking, trying desperately to get the vehicle under his control before it slams into Yuki. "Get out of the way!" I try again and this time, hearing my voice shakes him out of his reverie. He moves slightly, tensing his muscles, about to jump to safety but it's too late. The side of the car hits him and he crumples to the ground. Shit. I race over to him. He's lying on his back, his eyes are open and he looks terrified. Blood pools around him and he's shaking uncontrollably. Dammit dammit dammit. A small group of people run over, all of them shouting into their cell phones that a terrible accident has occurred and a boy is seriously injured. _

_"_Yes. He's bleeding all over the place. Please hurry. The driver of the vehicle is unconscious. He appears to be bleeding slightly but the boy his vehicle hit is in worse condition. Hurry._"__ A rather hysterical woman wails into her phone. He's not only seriously injured, he could die. I run my hands over his body and talk to him._

_"Stay awake, Yuki. You have to stay awake. Hang on until you can be helped. Don't give up. Shigure will kill you if you give up. Think about Tohru. She'll be heartbroken. Ayame. What about Ayame? I know it seems as if he doesn't care about you but he truly is worried about you. If you die, I don't know what he'll do. And Hatori too. What about Momiji and Haru? Haru's still in love with you. He'll be devastated. Don't die on them. Don't die on me." I realize my voice is shaking. Tears drip from my eyes, falling invisible onto Yuki. I hang my head over his until my lips are a mere inch from his. "I don't want you to die like I did. Don't give up."_

_"_H-help me. Kyo, please. Help me._" he cries softly and the worst thing is I can't do a thing to help. I can't. Sirens shriek in the distance, getting louder as they come nearer. Yuki is loaded on a stretcher and rolled into the ambulance. The passive, peaceful atmosphere is shattered by a confusing song of lights, shouting, crying, concerned murmurs and sickeningly excited whispers. The only thing I can hear is, "Please, help me Kyo. Help me."_

A/N: Ok, I'm finally ending my hiatus. so sorry about that! um, well, tell me what you think. And my updates will probably be a little long in between due to... last minute summer homework and stuff. Please bear with me. /sheepish grin/


	10. Infatuations

Disclaimer: I may be eccentric but I am NOT delusional so: Fruits Basket is not mine.

_Beep. Where am I? Beep. What am I doing here? Beep. What's going on? Beep. Ugh, my head. Beep. Ouch, don't move. Beep. Will that infernal beeping not stop! Beep? Shhh. Beep. Great. Something else. Shhh. Beep. Can't they just let me sleep? Shhh. Beep. Dammit. That's really starting to get on my nerves. Shhh. Beep. ARGH!_

Yuki Sohma's eyes sprang open. He glared at the familiar white tile ceiling. He wrinkled his nose against the antiseptic smell that wafted through the place. Realizing he had tensed once he awoke, he consciously forced his muscles to relax and sink into the bed. A nurse bustled in.

"Good to see you awake, Sohma-san." She smiled sunnily, flashing perfect white teeth. Not feeling particularly pleased at the moment, Yuki only glared back. "I suppose you want to see your family? They've been waiting since you were brought in last night." Her grin faded slightly. _Kyo.__ He was waiting? _No. Kyo was dead, remember? Yuki nodded to distract the woman from the hitched sob that rose up in his throat. She disappeared and after a few minutes, returned with the worried, frightened and relieved members of the Sohma clan. Ayame was allowed in first.

"Hello little brother," he said hesitantly, all dramatics gone from his movements. He looked wan and bags appeared under his eyes, making him look much older than his young age. "I'm glad you're okay." He sat down and put his hand on Yuki's. "Look, I know it seems as if I don't care about you, as if the only reason why I try so hard to get you to like me is to resolve my guilt but it's not only that. I really care about you, Yuki, I do. You're my brother after all and what kind of brother would I be if I didn't care at all? You scared me—us. We got the call telling us that you were at the hospital again and my heart just dropped. I couldn't breathe. I know you're pretty upset over what's been happening lately, I can see it, and," he squeezed Yuki's hand gently, amber eyes shining with love and concern, "I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need anything. Okay?"

"You—you were scared—for me." Yuki rasped, looking skeptical. Ayame bit his lip and nodded. The corners of Yuki's lips lifted slightly and he returned the squeeze. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Well, the others are waiting to see you." He stood and, with one of his trademark grins, left the room. Shigure and Hatori jostled their way in after their silver-haired friend and both made a scene of acting calm and dignified. When they got closer, however, Yuki could plainly see anxious expressions on both their faces. Both of them tried speaking over each other and Yuki watched them bicker with one another. He snickered to himself when Hatori said something that left Shigure speechless. They seemed to be trying to make him laugh again, forget his pain for even the shortest of moments and their ploy was working. Yuki shook his head; they loved each other so much and yet sometimes he wondered how they could stand each other. They left with jaunty smiles, arm in arm and strutted from the room as Haru, Momiji, and Tohru raced in, one after the other.

"Sohma-kun, you're alright!" Tohru rushed at him but Haru held her back. "Oh, that's right. I'm sorry." She smiled brightly at Yuki. Momiji attempted to jump on the bed but Haru grabbed at his collar. The white-haired boy rolled his eyes and seemed to be asking himself why he was stuck babysitting the overactive Momiji.

"That wouldn't be wise, Momiji." He said, raising an eyebrow sternly at the rabbit, who shrugged and settled for sitting at the edge of the bed and chattering away happily. The others ignored him. Haru leaned in dangerously close to Yuki, staring him straight in the eye. "Well? What happened? You jump in front of that vehicle or what? Trying to commit suicide again?" Even Momiji became quiet and Tohru gasped. Haru's hand reached out and grasped Yuki's chin, forcing the older boy to look up. He hadn't gone "Black" but there was an angry, ugly look in his eyes.

"No, Haru, I wasn't." Yuki answered calmly although something flickered in his eyes. "I just didn't see it coming my way."

_"Liar.__ You saw it. If you had just jumped out of the way like I'd told you, you wouldn't even be in this predicament." _There was that damn voice again. Yuki almost growled in anger. _Just leave me the hell alone. _Haru released Yuki who turned his head to look out the window. An uncomfortable silence filled the air and the tension thickened until Hatori poked his head in.

"Hey, we have to go home now. Come on." All four jumped but Momiji stood, pulling his cousin with him. Haru went with the slight boy a bit reluctantly.

"I'm sorry Yuki, if I seemed a bit—harsh. It's just that we're all so worried about you. You're not who you used to be and it's scaring us." He hung his head and left the room, not resisting when Momiji grabbed his hand and tugged him through the door. Tohru looked at Yuki worriedly, afraid he would be upset over Haru's words.

"No need to worry, Honda-san," he said quietly, smiling serenely. "I think I deserved that."

_"Damn right you did. What the hell were you playing at?" _Yuki twitched and clenched the sheets in his fist. Just then a handsome young doctor bustled in. He was about the same height as Hatori and held himself tall but relaxed. Coffee brown hair framed a thin face with large hazel eyes.

"Hello. I hope I'm not interrupting anything?" his eyes switched from Yuki to Tohru, who was holding his hand. Both of them shook their heads.

"I ought to go. I'll be back tomorrow, okay, Sohma-kun?" Tohru bowed her head and left the room, casting a sorrowful look at Yuki.

"Good. Good. My name is Doctor Nakamura and you are Sohma Yuki, I presume?" he glanced at the clipboard he was holding. "I will be your doctor, checking up on you every once in a while to make sure everything is healing properly. So we'll be seeing quite a lot of one another." His tone suggested something other than a doctor-patient relationship and Yuki tensed slightly. He had heard that tone before—with Akito. But somehow with Doctor Nakamura, he felt more at ease. It was as if he was showing his feelings for Yuki without asking anything of him. But the man had just met him. Was Yuki being presumptuous? "I suppose we're finished for today. I'll see you tomorrow, then." His hand remained on Yuki's leg for a second too long as he walked away from the bed. The boy's mouth dropped open slightly and his question was answered: if anything, Doctor Nakamura was interested. Yuki sighed once the doctor was gone and leaned his head back against the pillows, wishing he could somehow obtain Kyo's pillow. He missed the smell of the cat that lingered on everything he had once owned but Yuki wasn't going to ask Shigure for that small favor. He knew he would never hear the end of it and he really wasn't in the mood to deal with the teasing or the pity for the fact that he was only just realizing his affection for Kyo.

But this Nakamura. Yuki gulped as he remembered the smile that adorned the doctor's fair face when he left the room. He didn't feel scared that Doctor Nakamura was a bit friendlier than he should be. Actually, he felt flattered. The doctor wasn't so much older than he was, right? He couldn't have been over twenty-five and Yuki WAS eighteen already. So the age difference wasn't too big. And he really was good-looking. A light blush spread across his face as his thoughts drifted to the way that hand had touched his leg. He shook his head thinking about what Kyo would say if he was found blushing over a doctor. Would he be jealous or just laugh at the fact that Yuki was attracted to a young, handsome, MALE doctor?

"He's dead. D-E-A-D. Dead. I won't ever see him again. He doesn't care." Yuki sounded unconvincing, even to himself. "Anyways, he probably still hates me wherever he is. He was laughing when I almost died. He WANTED me to suffer." _No. He didn't. Did he?_

_"What the hell? How could you say that? It's not like you were inside his head or anything, right? ASK him before you assume." _Yuki was once again struck by how much that voice sounded like Kyo. Especially when it sounded indignant, like it did now. He ignored the offended splutters that seemingly came from nowhere and sunk into a brooding silence.  
It had started out as guilt. He had felt guilty for his last words to Kyo, guilty for the contempt and scorn he always showed. But this feeling inside him would not go away. He could not deny that he wanted Kyo, would always want Kyo, would forever long to taste those soft lips, would constantly wonder what it would feel like to run his hands along the muscles and the smooth expanse of skin that covered the orange-headed cat. Yet, much as he desired to do those things, there was an emotion, a strong emotion, inside him. It could not be explained or described but it confused Yuki. It was more than guilt and lust, more than anger or condescension, much, much more than every emotion he had ever felt before.

Then Doctor Nakamura's face popped up in his thoughts. Yuki liked him, plain and simple. He liked the warm smile, the dark eyes, the easy mannerism. The doctor was easy to like, friendly and compassionate to everyone. He was adored by females everywhere and they vied for his affections though they were a bit intimidated by his "take-charge" demeanor whenever a critically ill patient arrived at the hospital.

He would not admit it to himself but Yuki was infatuated. It went more than just a platonic feeling of friendship for this doctor. He was captured by Nakamura's resounding voice that seemed to thud in Yuki's chest, was interested by the way his eyes almost changed color in the light and showed many different emotions all at once, captivated by the feeling of warmth that flared in his stomach when the doctor's hand strayed a bit from its course. He didn't feel threatened by him, not like he had with Akito. So why did he feel, deep down somewhere in his subconscious, that liking Doctor Nakamura was a betrayal to Kyo?

A/N: I have a basic idea about how the story will end. How I'll get there I have absolutely no idea. I love reviews and they have the same effect on my writing as caffeine does to a poor sleep-deprived person. So review and maybe my brain will be stimulated into working faster.


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